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Things That Break my Heart



Today was almost the first day I didn't publish something. I want to try to make that be for good, unselfish reasons like I don't want to worry anyone back home or I think the world needs more optimism, and I only want to write when I can be positive about things. Both of those statements are kind of true, but the honest truth is I almost didn't post tonight because I feel shitty and stupid and worn-out, and I just kind of want to curl into a ball and hope that I sleep it off. I'm still writing right now because I feel like if I don't post something, I go from feeling shitty and stupid and worn-out to being defeated, and fuck it all if I let that happen.

Back home I definitely took the fact that pretty much everyone knows everyone for granted, and I was bored with it. I wanted to go out into a bigger world and meet new people. The problem is it's pretty much impossible to meet new people in a city as big as Chicago. It seems counterintuitive; I'm surrounded by the most people I've ever seen in my entire life, but it some ways it's like I've never been more alone, because I can't actually talk to any of them. It happens every time I'm out, and poor Ellie who knows better but still walks around with me anyway has to deal with the fallout. What you have to know is saying hi to someone in Chicago, or I guess any city, is a trap. People say hi, and you say hi back because that's the thing to do, and then immediately they're harassing you in one way or another, usually looking for money.

The thing that kills me the most is that I always feel fucking awful about saying no or walking away or not answering. I want to help people, but there's nothing I can actually do. I wish at least I could offer a kind word or a conversation, but there's no way that doesn't turn into something else. Maybe kind words aren't worth anything, anyway. Who knows? All I really know is how much I hate myself when I walk past someone in the street with the mantra, "Don't look at them, don't talk to them, you don't see them, they're invisible to you" going through my head to curb my natural response to smile or wave or say hi back.

I made the mistake of trying to have a conversation with someone on the train back to Oak Park tonight. I've read countless stupid little editorials on how people live in their phones or their headphones or whatever and ignore each other on public transit, and up until now I've enjoyed the rebuttals about how people used to ignore each other for newspapers, and maybe it's not great, but it's not new with the technology generations. Now I understand what's really going on. People bury themselves in their devices and ignore each other because the alternative isn't safe. I was stupid enough to believe that this guy was having a rough time and actually wanted to talk it out with someone, to have a basic human connection. I should have seen it coming way before he started trying to guilt me into giving him money like it was something I owed him. Earlier in the day I had bought pepper spray, at Julie's suggestion. When the conversation took that turn and I had to get up and move to another part of the train, I was glad my hand was curled around it and my finger was on the trigger in my pocket. I didn't stop clutching it the rest trip, from the train ride to the four-ish block walk in the rain under the weird starless sky that's starless even when it's not raining. I finally got a job in Hyde Park today, and I thought for a long time about quitting it out of fear for the trip back.

The absolutely infuriating thing about all of this is that I do feel like we owe each other something. I genuinely believe that we as human beings owe each other kindness. The world is so needlessly, horribly cruel sometimes. I always thought that at least, if nothing else, we could offer each other a smile or a kind word or genuine friendliness. Chloe's aunt gave all those things to me when I got back to her house upset by the experience, but now I'm not even sure we can offer that much to everyone we meet. I don't know how to be a kind person here. I don't know if I can live in a city like this without losing myself, and I don't know if anything I've worked toward or planned so far is worth that. I'm hoping things will look better in the morning. For now, I really want to go home.

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